My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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