cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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