i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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