Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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