I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
