If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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