You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
