Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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