Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
