It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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