i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
