omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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