I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
