I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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