I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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