sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I looked at my own cervix.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize