i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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