ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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