I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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