This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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