I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
