Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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