I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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