we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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