I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
