don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
