Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
