I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
