I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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