She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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