So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
In America we eat man semen.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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