Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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