Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
