why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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