Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
