we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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