Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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