I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
