Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
