I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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