Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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