No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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