obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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