the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
