I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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