You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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