I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
