She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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