for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
