i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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