Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
