As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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