youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
