I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
tell me about the eggs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
