Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Im part way to drunk.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
