i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
