you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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