Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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